Bruised, Broken, Shot, Shocked and Missing...

So, it's been a while hasn't it? Yeah. I've been a bit out of it and such. I absolutely miss my beautiful twin Stephie. I hope she's having enough fun for the both of us.

There've been some interesting developments since my last post and I thought I'd share them now. I know when Stephie gets back she's gonna be pretty pissed at me for what I'll admit to in a moment, but I also know that she'll just want to squeeze me and love me and stuff.

I'll start with the newest developments. Cameel's engaged. Sudden? Yeah. I thought so too. She's trying to hard to rip me apart, and it might work too, if I could feel emotions anymore. I guess that's a lie. She's already hurt me to the point where if she hurts me anymore, or if I let it get to me there'll be some dickhead on the sidewalk and me in a cell. I'm tired of the bullshit, I'm tired of it all. I just want a rest.

Okay, since I covered that in a hurry I'll explain the two pictures up there. The moon... ever since Tiffanny dumped me on Christmas Eve a few years back I've taken a picture of the moon on Christmas Eve. Every picture I take of it that night, it looks so sad... so lonely. I guess it can relate to me. This is the newest picture of the moon from Christmas Eve '06. It stopped raining just long enough for me to snap this shot. Yay for rainy Christmas.

The sunrise up there... It's a dedication to my friends that have put up with me through it all. You guys are my sunrise. You guys give me meaning and keep me going on. Thank you. This sunrise was taken from my balcony on Christmas morning. It came out so wonderfully I just had to share it.

I'm sleeping better now. I've sort of just given up on most things. I've decided for a wihle, I'm just going to go for a piece of ass. There's no need for me to try to get involved anytime soon. I'm tired of having my heart ripped out and them moving on so quick. Maybe I bring it on myself, but I find it more probable to assume that my "type" are just dumb bitches that don't want a guy like me anyways. I know there's nothing wrong with me. I'm a good looking guy, and I love spending time with my woman. I like a fiery passionate relationship, unfortuantely my "type" doesn't seem to like that. Oh well, there are lots of fishies in the sea, and I haven't run out of bait yet.

Now, that sounds great doesn't it? It took two things to make me realize those things. I'll tell you guys about the better one first. So my sister dragged me out to shop with her the 22nd or 23rd because I looked "down." Of course we HAD to use my car, but that's not the point. I had to get gas before we could go anywhere. So while I'm inside I spot this guy digging through the trash. A homeless guy. My first time to ever see a homeless guy. And you know what? I wished I was in his shoes. I wished I was in his fucking shoes. How bad is that? So, I looked at him and thought about how easy he has it, worrying about things more difficult than things I've been worried about. Not having to worry about love because he's more worried about his survival you know?

Then I realized: he's worried about his survival. He wasn't concerned about women. He had been dealt a shittier hand than me and yet he was still clinging to his life. He wasn't running from it. He wasn't trying to get shot. He wasn't killing himself. He was digging through the garbage to find cans. I stood there a moment, dumbfounded as I realized this. Then... I felt I owed him somethng for making me see something so obvious.

I walk outside, hold out a $50 bill and ask the man if I can buy his bag of cans. He looks at me reluctantly and finally takes the money and tosses me the bag, leaning his bicycle agains tthe rest stop's wall. I smile as he goes inside ande place his back back on his handlebars, driving away without a second thought.

I hope he didn't waste the money. Right now, he is my hero. My undying hero.

The other thing... Well, I don't wish to speak about it so publicly, so Stephie, you'll have to ask/scold me for it on your own.

I love you my darling sister. I hope you're smiling where I can not, and I hope you and Andy succeed where I have failed. Failure may be a word to describe me, but... so is Loved. And I think the second far outweighs the first.

Holy Diver
You've been down too long in the midnight sea
Oh what's becoming of me

Ride the tiger
You can see his stripes but you know he's clean
Oh don't you see what I mean

Gotta get away
Holy Diver

Shiny diamonds
Like the eyes of a cat in the black and blue
Something is coming for you

Race for the morning
You can hide in the sun 'till you see the light
Oh we will pray it's all right

Gotta get away-get away

Between the velvet lies
There's a truth that's hard as steel
The vision never dies
Life's a never ending wheel

Holy Diver
You're the star of the masquerade
No need to look so afraid

Jump on the tiger
You can feel his heart but you know he's mean
Some light can never be seen

Holy Diver
You've been down too long in the midnight sea
Oh what's becoming of me

Ride the tiger
You can see his stripes but you know he's clean
Oh don't you see what I mean

Gotta get away
Holy Diver

I may be some sort of crazy but...

So, I gave in and TRIED to apologize to her. I doubt she'll accept it, but at least she can't say that I didn't try.

Now that I've got that out of the way... I decided I'd like to indulge you all in my newest dilema.

I've got two women that want me. One that I don't really think is good enough for me and the other that's a bit... well it gets old FAST.

I've got a woman I still love, though she wants nothing to do with me, yet I still know it's unfair to even hint at faithfulness to any woman. See, I have a problem. Cameel still has something of mine that I won't get back, that I probably wouldn't request back. She has my heart. My heart... maybe I should replace it with a gizzard.

Then I've got a girl whom I like but is way out of my league, and like stated above I shouldn't even like her because I know nothing would come of it. Nothing ever does.

Someone told me today "be careful, I'd much rather you be alive." Alive... Is there a purpose for that? I mean, I guess I sort of have to stay alive right? Cause how else would a higher power torture me, you know?

Sometimes I wonder if that's the only reason I'm alive. I mean, the people I used to be able to make smile only seem to frown.

Frowns... Is that my fault? Can I really place the blame of anything on anyone anymore? I mean, I try, but I can't take all the blame myself. I'm broken, I'm beaten... and yet I'm still standing. It must mean something eh?

Maybe it means I'm a strong man, but I think it just means I'm naive. Maybe us men are all more naive than women.

Who am I to save you,
To try and tame you,
And now that you are free of me,
But next time when you break down,
Is it me you'll take down,
With you on your knees?

So who was I to hurt you,
To desert you,
When you needed me there,
So now that you've learned to hate me,
You're finally set free,
I fall to my knees,

And I'm breathing slowly,
Like you said to do when you had lost control,
My head spins from God's wind,
That carries you away from me,
Looks like you got away from me,
This time,
For good...

And since those days have passed me by,
I'm in and out of life,
The way you used to be,
You know I always was the strong one,
But now I've come undone,
Sweet Release...(come to me)

And I'm breathing slowly,
Like you said to do when you had lost control,
My head spins from God's wind,
That carries you away from me,
Looks like you got away from me, This time,
You got away from me oh yea,
You got away for good...

You Should Know...

So, my ex wrote me a song a while back when we were still dating, so I decided to right one back for her now.

I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is he perverted like me?
Would he go down on you in a theater?
Does he speak eloquently
And would you have his baby?
I'm sure you'd make a really excellent mother

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, No
And every time you speak his name
Does he know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive .

And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you should know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Miss Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck... him?


Ohh... aah... ahh... ahh...

'Cause the joke that you laid in that death bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time someone scratches her nails
Down my back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

Yes It's stupid, I know that. Okay?

Roadkill in a World Full of Crows

So uh...

After a nice vacation to Atlantic City to discuss some business with some associates of mine I got to thinking (don't ask why, because when I think it's never good).

I've got a date tonight, I've got finals this week and I've still got a broken heart. These three combined with liquor really make your thinking go great.

So there's this nurse that I have a date with. She's got a pretty face, some alright boobs, a nice little ass and altogether her body is about... a 7 or 8. Not perfect, but not too bad anyways.

Pros: She's got a pretty face. I've known her since junior high (because she was dating one of my friends up until about two months ago). I hear she's a great fuck, she's got a great personality and she's really got something going for her with this whole nursing business (boy would I like to be a baby nursing on---). Anyways, she's a breeder and I think I really want a kid or something about now.

Cons: She's not a 10 or even a 9. She dated one of my old friends (and a big one at that) and we live about an hour away from each other. She works a normal nurse's shift of anywhere from 8-12 hours a day 6 days a week. That really wouldn't be enough time to spend together you know? I mean, I LOVE spending time with my girl and showering her with gifts.

Which outweighs which? I'm not sure.

Second order of discussion... Finals Week.

Pros: No more school for over a month. I'll get to sleep in more.

Cons: It's FUCKIN' FINALS WEEK.

I think the pros outweigh the cons.

Next order of discussion: My broken heart. Now I know a lot of you have heard me squealing and that about "oh i'm so hurt boo hoo i'm gonna cry" blah blah blah. Truth is, at the moment, I'm quite numb. I think it has to do something with her ignoring me and not answering or returning any phone calls (though I haven't called her in over a week).

Pros: Because she's been ignoring me it's sorta made me numb so I can't really feel... anything. And it really makes it easier not to think about suicide or the like when you can't think about anything but her and you're not even sure how you feel when you do think about her. I've got a lot of Aces up my sleeves and I've got a mighty powerful bag of tricks, i know if I play my cards right I'll wind up with her in my arms, or with someone better in my bed.

Cons: I'm going insane. I look at people, just random people, and picture myself mutilating their faces. I mean... I'm totally off balance here. My laugh isn't one that i normally do with the whole hearty stuff, but it's one that's kind of... sickening. But then I remember how that lady who broke my heart is, and I smile to myself and know that if she doesn't wind up with me and goes for the men she seems to like... she'll be on the other side of the counter asking me "Would you like fries with that?" Okay, so maybe that last half wasn't so much of a con. But it was funny huh?

I walked around my good intentions
And found that there were none
I blame my father for the wasted years
We hardly talked
I never thought I would forget this hate
Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong

And if I don't make it
Know that I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong

I walked around my room
Not thinking
Sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much like somebody else
I never thought that I'd just bend this way
Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong

And if I don't make it
Know that I loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong
And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong
I hope to God I figure out what's wrong

If I don't make it
Know that I loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong

And if I don't make it
Know that I loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out...

Spite and Malice, It's All in the Game

Spite.

Malice.

Hatred.

Homicide.

Broken Bones.

Okay, so I just had to be emo there for a bit. In truth this is going to be a short post. So I spent all last night in the hospital (for heart complications) and got to talking to this cute nurse right?

Well the nurse is like 22 and an absolute HOTTIE. So me doing something out of character, I grab her wrist as she went to check out of her shift and I said "Hey, how about a date sometime?" And you know what?

She said yes. Those three letters. Y-E-S. You know how long it's been since I've heard a woman tell me YES to anything? Yeah me either. I think it was when Stephie told me "yes" that we were sexy. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT that's beside the point and it happens nearly everyday so it doesn't count.

Anywho, the date's on Monday and I have a final test on Tuesday at 8 AM. God I'm done for. BUT I'LL COME INTO CLASS WITH THE STINKY FINGER... if you know what I mean. ;)

Tears Down Dust Trails

So, I haven't been on lately because A) I haven't switched my phone lines over to my new house and therefor don't have internet unless I'm at the college and B) I've been extremely sick. The sickness seems to be going around here. You start out with a sore throat for a day or two then BAM you puke up (or dryheave) pretty much everything inside you and when you're done putting your lungs back in your chest, you realize your throat hardly hurts anymore. You barely have a voice, but your throat doesn't hurt. Then you go through this really nauseating stage where you stand up and get dizzy and you feel like using the bathroom and puking at the same time. When water touches you you feel like you're going to explode and when you DO explode (I did it twice, luckily God hates me and won't let me die) you have to clean up the bloody mess you left in your shower.

Anyways, now that that's done I'll go for what I was prefacing that with. So last night I decided to skip out on my normal shower (although I was cleaning up my dusty closet in the other house and knew I should've taken a shower) and when I got home I was so exhausted I tried to play one of my games and ended up falling asleep IN MID BATTLE! *I still won of course but that's because I'm a hardass*. So I decide to turn the game off and try for this little thing we call rest. This was about 9 PM.

You ever had one of those dreams where you feel so happy yet then you're woken up by your own salty tears? Yeah. I had one of those, only it wasn't just salty tears. It was salty, sweaty, dusty tears. I gagged and ran straight to the bathroom as I felt my stomach churn and when I got there, I thought "Hey, Cameel called me the other night and I missed her call. She's usually up at this hour so why I don't I call her back?"

Yeah. That was a bad idea. I'm kind of glad she didn't answer though. I would've just been puking every three seconds while talking to her. She's really acting immature lately. I mean, I know I've done some pretty unforgivable things, and I don't expect to be forgiven for them, but talking about me behind my back? I haven't even said one ill word of her (and you can ask all of my friends for that, I'm sure Mardi and Stephie would vouch for me.)

She says I make her out like the bad guy and she's "tired of being the bad guy" yet, when have I ever made her out to be the bad guy? I blame myself for pretty much everything involving that girl, even the stuff that I know I had no effect on. She's excellent at playing games though, that's part of her charm I guess. She's a great liar and even better at half-truths and double-stories. Sometimes it's just so hard to believe anything any woman says anymore after dealing with her.

Don't get me wrong, I still love the girl but she's freaking driving me insane (as if I couldn't just walk). She's a wonderful girl, when she's not acting immature and preteen-ish. Somehow I come off as the bad guy in the end and I guess it's okay. I guess it's okay for me to be the bad guy. I'd rather hang on a cross sot hat some other good guy, like me, could have her some day than to let her rot away with some abusive ex-rapist unpassionate drunken loser (which I do forsee her going for.)

But then again, isn't that what she needs? She can't make up her mind and she settles for way less than she can get. I mean, I'll admit it... I'm an awesome guy and the fact that she ran from me when I offered her a chance to be happy, to be free, to never have to worry about ANYTHING, proves that she needs to have her eyes forcibly opened to the outside world. Maybe the lowest she can go is what she needs. I don't like it, but maybe it's that way.

And Stephie, thank you so much for staying by my emo-ish side this whole time, even when you probably felt like just giving up on me.

Mardi, it's a shame I pushed you to that point.

So lately I feel emotionless, but the tears down my dust covered cheek must've shown some emotion. Obviously I'm still hurting and shutting off my emotions is my defense mechanism. Normally my eyes can show my true emotions but lately they've been so unsatisfied, empty and bored-like as if nothing really matters to me. I've had better control over my adrenaline in this state (I can tell by the amount of shaking I do decreasing). Maybe I was born to be emotionless, yet everytime I even think about that I picture myself as a young Tokugawa or even worse... Hitler. I want to be scared, and normally I would be, but I can't. Perhaps in the end you can't run from fate.

It's too bad that you have made mistakes.
Too bad that I cannot relate.
When all else fails
And all else fades.
I kept my word through bitter days
(through bitter days)

What you don't know.
Won't leave a scar.
What you don't know.
Hasn't killed you so far.
But you don't know.
Just who you are.
Still I just give you something to talk about.
What you don't know.

It's too late that now.
I've changed my mind.
Too late somehow.
To recognize
When all else fails
And all I find.
Are all my words.
Perdido in time.
(Just lost in time)

What you don't know.
Won't leave a scar.
What you don't know.
Hasn't killed you so far.
But you don't know.
Just who you are.
Still I just give you something to talk about.

So you lost yourself.
Turn to someone else.
Now you've given up your will that wants to know.
Then you find yourself.
But you're someone else.
In the end you only get what you deserve.
(What you deserve)

What you don't know.
Won't leave a scar.
What you don't know.
Hasn't killed you so far.
But you don't know.
Just who you are.
Still I just give you something to talk about.
What you don't know.


P.S. Why is it that girls think my voice is sexy? I never got that. I mean, it's not even the one that is accented, it's the fake voice I've grown so used to.

No Value

While talking to one of my normal confidants I realized just how much she's right. Just for a quick glance at it . . .

Her: Wow.
Her: I really don't know what else to say other than, congratulations you brought back the dry heaving when I thought it was gone.
Me: i don't think I want that congrats
Her: I really don't know what to think or say
Her: I want to tear you a new one but I know that'll do fuck all
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: that i'm a monster that'll never have a successful relationship and shoulda kept the gun in my own mouth
Her: That's fucking right. I would just fucking JUMP at the chance to tell you to kill yourself, wouldn't I?!
Me: ugh
Me: sorry
Her: I would fucking DROP EVERYTHING to tell you the opposite of everything I've been telling you from the start
Me: go ahead, i need the earful, keep on
Her: I guess everything I've ever told you has just gone in one ear and out the other, right?
Her: No, man. This is it. I can handle you being upset and I can handle you coming to me
Her: but to try and throw back in my face when all I've done is try to help?
Her: Sorry, I'm just done.
Her: I've got nothing else to say.
Me: i guess i deserve that...
Me: alright then... i won't bother you further
Her: Life is just... completely meaningless to you, isn't it
Her: It holds no value, yours or anyone else's
Her: Is that how you feel now?
Me: ...
Her: If that wasn't a blatant "yes but I don't want to admit it", I don't know what else it could be.
Me: it was actually more of a "even if I said yes you'd have no more respect to lose for me."
Her: Like hell
Her: I may not like what you've done and how you've handled this whole situation (see: IDIOT), but I still respect you because I KNOW you know better
Her: I can be perfectly angry with someone and still love them just as fast as I ever have
Her: but right now I want nothing more than to come to your house just to punch some sense into your empty head
Me: you know, that's probably exactly what I need right now
Her: It probably is
Her: And I could never be angry enough with you to not help you, even if the help is, ironically, not very nice at all
Her: but unfortunately my family is in the shithole with money and I have no means to come and see you
Her: If I had the choice, I would drop everything right now and come to you. But I guess you don't believe me, do you?
Me: i believe you...
Me: i just think you'd be disappointed if you did'
Her: Well if you believe me now, then you're bound to forget in a few hours.
Her: And why's that?
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: because I'm... me
Her: Only your actions and choices can disappoint me, you know.
Her: You, yourself, as a person, never will.
Her: Don't ever let that change. Pick yourself up out of this goddamned stupid fucking ditch you're in and start living again, would you?
Me: and how do you suggest I start "living"
Her: I don't know, what do I sound like to you, the fucking Dalai Lama? I've tried giving you suggestions but you always find a way to brush them off.
Her: So you're on your own there because I'm at a complete loss.
Her: Just fucking do something.
Her: And stop pushing away the people who care about you, for Christ's sake.
Me: i'm sorry... -sighs- i'll try
Her: Eventually they'll start listening and you'll be all alone because they'll think it's what you really wanted.
Me: maybe it's what I deserve... to be alone
Me: but...
Her: Stop thinking about what you do or don't deserve, for fuck's sake.
Me.: even if I deserve it... I won't accept it
Her: Think about what you do or don't want.
Her: Well thank God you can at least say that much
Me: sarcasm?
Her: Not in the slightest
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: oh... okay then
Her: Do you really think I'd take a shot at you now, of all times -_-
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: not you, no
Her: What you think you do or don't deserve is probably way out of whack, you know.
Her: Stop being so hard on yourself and just start thinking about what you WANT, whether you deserve it or not, alright?
Her: And until you decide you're going to stop throwing things back at me
Her: I'm going to let you just... think about it.
Her: Talk to me again when you think you've grown up out of this self-hate of yours, because it's really becoming unbearable.


So yeah, basically I'm an inhuman person and she's right. Life no longer has value to me. None. And I can't even feel bad about it. I guess value is the last thing I care about right now. Hm. I keep pushing my friends away. I want to feel bad about it, but I feel so empty. Something in me is missing, and I can't seem to replace it.

In other news, I had a dream about Stephie last night. That was weird. I like went to a party with her and Kitty. It was all awesome-i-fied and stuff. We got so hammered. I'll tell you everything I can remember when I talk to you again Stephie.

Anyways, yeah dumb post. Oh well. Needed to get it out. Sorry.

There's a hatchet got a knife
When I awoke there was nothing real in this life
But dreams are so intoxicating, (intoxicating)
When you're doing this alone
Gun, rope, brick on the way
But words have no meaning when its you that says
I really do care, no baby I, I really do care!

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Once a skeptic, now the critic
And you think that you finally found a place of your own.
Amongst the cold and timid souls
Where only failure knows your name

Look around for the closest to blame
But look no further than the hands beneath your arms
and now your 6 feet down, buried with,
with your passing fame fame fame fame.

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Oh, oh, oh, you lie
Tell me something more than what you tried to hide
If you can't find yourself, then how can I expect to find you.
Oh, oh, oh, you cry
Tell me something more than what you try
The greatest tragedy is not your death
But a life without reason, your life has no purpose
Your life has no reason, your life has no purpose

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

The End

Well, this is going to be a pretty quick post.

I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't do it anymore. I tried and tried and tried until I broke down and I ended it.

I was right. It is less painful having her hate me and know I'll never get her back than being her friend and knowing I'll never get her back.

Maybe I'm an asshole. So what? Who cares? I couldn't take it. It's just me now, and I'm going back to how I was when I was THE SilverBack.

Good times shall be had! Just me and Deathwish, doing our business. Maybe I should put to rest some old grudges. Actually, I think that'll be the first thing I do.

Oh and Cameel... The picture up there. It's for you.

Mama always prayed that I’d be a better man than daddy
And I determined not to let her down
Deserted by the man she loved and left to raise four children
We were the local gossip of the town.

I promised her that I’d live right and not be like the others
But I wound up in jail on chrismas day
I told her I’d be home and not to worry ’bout my brothers
When I got home my mom had passed away


And I hear tell the road to hell is paved with good intentions
And mama my intentions were the best
There’s lotsa things in my life I just as soon not mention
Looks like I’ve turned out like all the rest
But mama my intentions were the best

A little boy with big blue eyes a-beggin’ to go fishing
I promised him but never took the time
Now they won’t let me see him and I sit here a-wishing
Wishin’ I could hold him one more time


But mama my intentions were the best

Spiraling Downward

So, things seem to be changing at a rapid pace around here eh? Seems when I finally got my grip on reality, and on love, that was taken from me by the one I had used as my grip.

Perhaps I deserved it. She says right now she doesn't know what she wants, and frankly I'm not sure I do either. I've been trying to find release in a lot of different places: the bottle being the main one.

Isn't it odd how man can be the only mammal who goes from sucking on a bottle when he's young to living without it when he's a bit older, and then drowning himself in it when he's a "man"?

I've been offered some good things lately and I . . . Didn't exactly refuse. Of course I didn't fully commit myself to them, but I also didn't say no to them. I told the person that in six months if I didn't have a steady relationship I'd go back into business with him.

It's pretty funny how when you try to run from your past you're the one who ends up going back to it, isn't it? It's not a past I'm proud of, or one I really even want to remember but at least it's a less painful past than the present moment. Perhaps it was a less painful path because I had nothing to worry about and I was always numb. I was always able to sleep, though with nightmares, but those didn't wake me up every hour like they do now.

It was less painful because for some reason, not having love back then was less painful than having it ripped from me now. One of my dreams comes to mind when I think about this love I lost.

I'm sitting in the room with a woman about to have a child and the doctor grabs my hand, saying something and motioning for me to kneel down in front of the woman. I put my hands up as if to catch a baby and the only thing that happens is a huge line of blood squirts onto me.

That's where the dream used to stop. It used to pan out and dim as I looked at myself wallow in the blood. It doesn't stop there anymore. It continues.

Now I see the end. I see when the lights come back the hand of a woman. She squeezes my beating heart, more blood bursting onto me. It's as if I'm completely powerless to stop her, and with each heartbeat she squeezes tighter, trying to suffocate the bloodflow, trying to kill me. But somehow... I survive. I survive in my own puddle of blood---my own filth.

But that's not good enough for her. She has to laugh as she sees me swimming in my own blood. My hair, my hands, my face... my entire body is covered in my own blood and all she can do is laugh and squeeze harder.

I never see her face, but I know who it is. I think subconciously, I've always known who it is.

As I said before, I'm not sure what I want, but I do know what I don't want and I'll start there. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to suffer. I don't want to be a disappointment or a burden. I don't want to go through with my promise in six months.

This leads to my first want. I want someone to save me before I can go through with that promise. I want someone to show me that love that I desire so much right now. I want to be loved, even if it is just pretend. I want to have the illusion of being important, of being someone's "One".

I want... to be me again. I miss being me. I miss being able to laugh at my own dumb jokes. I miss being able to make HER smile. I miss... everything about that glorious time I had with her. I guess More than anything, I want that time back.

In the life of the wrong a love lingered on,

Love lingered on to frustration.

And if our love is so wrong, what should we do alone?

Or am I just a picture in a photograph?

Why are we stuck in this pantomime fearing a god who died?

One who would not deny lovers?

And I don't care what they say, if what you need is your
faith,

Then take a look at my face and know



That till your rapture falls to pieces

Until your rapture falls to pieces

Find in me the room to breathe,

Simple things like suffering

Life had gone this way

Life is gone this way



Still in the life of the wrong we all moved along

Another life evolved to gestation

And so we made our way with the mistake we made

But she was just a picture in the photograph



So she walked in the baby's room

Knowing what she should do leave me in

Absolute horror

She put her hand on its lip she gave it

One last kiss

And some tune that went



Until your rapture falls to pieces

Till your rapture falls to pieces

Find in me the room to breathe,

Simple things are suffering



And I would and I would, destroy your god

Yes I would if I could destroy your god

Because you're born again

Until you're worn again,



Till your rapture falls to pieces

Till your rapture falls to pieces

Find in me the room to breathe,

Sinful things are suffering

Till your rapture falls to pieces

Till your rapture falls to pieces



But, if this must be, then burn with me

Anything

Just don't leave

So find in me the room to breathe

Sinful things are suffering

Till your rapture falls to pieces



She swore she heard the voice of jesus

Telling her it was wrong to keep it

And one more thing, it looked like me

Back when it breathed

Rest in peace

Until the rapture comes to meet us

Hello Cruel Wo---ME!

Okay, this post is mainly for my own benefit because when I start thinking too much I start getting super depressed and stuff, so what I always do when I start thinking is writing a letter to myself.

Why write a letter to myself? Well it helps soothe my nerves and gets all of my frustrations out in the open. Plus I like to have a strict record of how I feel each day, not to mention it's funny to look back at the letters to myself and be like "oh damn dude. You were so stupid." Anyways, it always helps me, and feel free to try it sometime. You might also find it helpful.

Most of the times I keep this in my personal journal, but I figured since most of you already know what the hell is going on around here I'd go ahead and write a public letter to myself. So, here goes.

Dear Regal,

Yo dog what's up? No, that doesn't work. Damn. Uh... Coma Estas Senor Regal? What the fuck? Is that even English? I bet that's the last time Santa'll bring gifts to this bad boy.

Anyways, how're things there in the confines of your idiocy in the future? Have you perhaps found out what you want to do with yourself? Most have said it's good to start from a clean slate, and trust me I know it hurts but perhaps they're right. Have you found where you wanted to start the revamp of the Regal?

So what did you change first? That mask you always wear? Has it been broken? Have you been able to heal yet without the bottle? Have you found what you're searching your soul for?

Ah I probably know the answers to most of those questions, but it's good to get your mind thinking anyways, we both know you don't use that thinker of yours often anyways, at least I can give that engine a bit of a rev.

I miss you man, I miss us, you know? The us we used to be before she came and seperated you and me. Have you become that fat smelly basement/attic dweller who hasn't seen light in years yet? Does your voice work anymore since you won't even talk to me, and I am you.

How're your wounds doing? Are you still licking them on your own or are you opening up a bit to others so you won't break down? Perhaps you've already broken down? Oh God don't tell me you're reading this in an institution!

Dude, get a hold of yourself. I know I can't condemn you for feeling something for someone who seems to be so confused that she can't tell hot pink from clitoral pink. Okay, bad example but who cares?

Been making those dumb sound effects lately? Perhaps you've been watching lots of porn or cheap horror flicks while eating gallon tubs of ice-cream and gettin the spoon stuck to your nose. You always were pretty dumb that way.

Don't worry man, things get better. You've been moving lately not only on the outside but on the inside too. Or perhaps you haven't moved so much on the inside. Perhaps you're still laying around in there wondering just what your worth is. I can tell you what your worth man, don't worry. I can make it all come into the light.

Regal, you are worth -digs through pockets- A bubblegum wrapper, half a pack of matches, twenty-eight cents, a screw? A screw? Anyone want a screw? Um... right going back to what you're worth Regal. Uh... A faded photograph, everything in my wallet (Yay! An I.D.) and uh... some A-B-C gum. So man, can I have you back?

Keep your chin up. It happens to everyone, don't confine yourself to well... yourself. Even if you don't have the will to go on, force yourself. Sometimes will and motivation mean nothing more than what you're willing to will yourself to do. Okay, I just confused myself. Um... Yeah. Just like, try to smile okay?

I miss you,
Me.

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say


Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

No!

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you.

Words Come So Hard

I guess the picture says it all eh? Or perhaps the title does. I guess I'm just confused, or as confused as one can get. First, I wanted to thank Jordan for lending me his words that I used somewhere else.

Next, I want thank my friends, most importantly Mardi and Stephie for always taking care of this dolt even when he doesn't deserve the care. They're like... the only ones right now that I can't put up my mask to anymore. I'm not sure if that's because I don't want to put up a mask to them, or if it's because I'm too weak to keep my mask up around them. Either way, they've defeated my mask, not that it's much of an accomplishment with a coward like me. Haha.

Now. I'm not going to whine about losing the woman I love, or anything like that because I know you guys have all heard that at one point or another. That and I want to try and put the bottles down and stop wallowing in my own self pity. I say I don't want to be pitied, and most of the time I'd take offense to my own self pity because I know I don't deserve it.

Then again, who deserves anything? What is it that makes you deserve anything? What is the meaning of deserve? What is the meaning of anything? Is there any meaning at all? Or as Marcus Arelius said "words are hard to come by because they have no meaning until you give it to them."

I'm beginning to think that we, as humans, are exactly the same. None of us have meaning or worth until someone... or something gives us that meaning. And when that meaning is taken from you so suddenly you just stand there going "Hey, where the fuck's my chocolate cake and ten gallons of ice cream?!" That's the time you lose your footing, when the rug gets pulled out from under you. That's when you're staggering around going "Ah damn that hurt" and your heart's going "I know man, but it was fun huh?"

It always is fun isn't it? All the way until that last word that they put in there for you. That word that hurts so much more than "hate". The word that just kills something inside. The word that sends an absolute zero through your body to freeze... to numb... everything. The word: friends. Being told they just want to be friends is so much more painful than totally losing them.

Why's it more painful? Because they're still there. You still want them, you still want to help them through EVERYTHING like you used to, but it's out of your jurisdiction. All you can do is stand behind (as opposed to beside) them and nod your head and tell them that it'll all be over soon, even though you know it's a lie. You have to smile and tell them you're alright with just being friends because somewhere deep inside you there's that hope. That shiny thing that seems to try and burn out the ice, the numb feeling, no matter how much you don't want to stop being numb. It's that hope that if you stay there behind them they'll realize they really want you beside them.

It's not often they do want you back beside them, but when they do, it's magical I'm sure. I wouldn't know. I haven't gone past the "just a friend" part again. In reference to Jordan's "A", "B" and "C" lovers, it seems most of the time I come out being a B, or even an A. That's all I'll say, because I've whined way too much the past few days with the neck of the bottle to my neck.

Once again, thanks to all you wonderful friends I have. Without you I'd probably be a fat happy basement dweller who's idea of romantic on the phone is "Hey honey. Say it slowly. TEE HEE." And she says "Chooooooooocolaaaaaaaaate Caaaaaaaaaake." Weeeeeeeeee!

Sorry. Love you guys.

He said, "I'll love you 'til I die."
She told him, "You'll forget in time."
As the years went slowly by,
She still prayed upon his mind.

He kept her picture on the wall.
Went half crazy now and then.
But he still loved her through it all,
Hoping she'd come back again.

Kept some letters by his bed,
Dated 1962.
He had underlined in red
Every single 'I love you'.

I went to see him just today,
But I didn't see no tears.
All dressed up to go away,
First time I'd seen him smile in years.

He stopped loving her today,
They placed a wreath upon his door,
And soon they'll carry him away,
He stopped loving her today.

You know, she came to see him last time.
And we were all wonderin' if she would.
And it kept runnin' through my mind,
This time he's over her for good.

He stopped loving her today,
They placed a wreath upon his door,
And soon they'll carry him away,
He stopped loving her today.