Spiraling Downward

So, things seem to be changing at a rapid pace around here eh? Seems when I finally got my grip on reality, and on love, that was taken from me by the one I had used as my grip.

Perhaps I deserved it. She says right now she doesn't know what she wants, and frankly I'm not sure I do either. I've been trying to find release in a lot of different places: the bottle being the main one.

Isn't it odd how man can be the only mammal who goes from sucking on a bottle when he's young to living without it when he's a bit older, and then drowning himself in it when he's a "man"?

I've been offered some good things lately and I . . . Didn't exactly refuse. Of course I didn't fully commit myself to them, but I also didn't say no to them. I told the person that in six months if I didn't have a steady relationship I'd go back into business with him.

It's pretty funny how when you try to run from your past you're the one who ends up going back to it, isn't it? It's not a past I'm proud of, or one I really even want to remember but at least it's a less painful past than the present moment. Perhaps it was a less painful path because I had nothing to worry about and I was always numb. I was always able to sleep, though with nightmares, but those didn't wake me up every hour like they do now.

It was less painful because for some reason, not having love back then was less painful than having it ripped from me now. One of my dreams comes to mind when I think about this love I lost.

I'm sitting in the room with a woman about to have a child and the doctor grabs my hand, saying something and motioning for me to kneel down in front of the woman. I put my hands up as if to catch a baby and the only thing that happens is a huge line of blood squirts onto me.

That's where the dream used to stop. It used to pan out and dim as I looked at myself wallow in the blood. It doesn't stop there anymore. It continues.

Now I see the end. I see when the lights come back the hand of a woman. She squeezes my beating heart, more blood bursting onto me. It's as if I'm completely powerless to stop her, and with each heartbeat she squeezes tighter, trying to suffocate the bloodflow, trying to kill me. But somehow... I survive. I survive in my own puddle of blood---my own filth.

But that's not good enough for her. She has to laugh as she sees me swimming in my own blood. My hair, my hands, my face... my entire body is covered in my own blood and all she can do is laugh and squeeze harder.

I never see her face, but I know who it is. I think subconciously, I've always known who it is.

As I said before, I'm not sure what I want, but I do know what I don't want and I'll start there. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to suffer. I don't want to be a disappointment or a burden. I don't want to go through with my promise in six months.

This leads to my first want. I want someone to save me before I can go through with that promise. I want someone to show me that love that I desire so much right now. I want to be loved, even if it is just pretend. I want to have the illusion of being important, of being someone's "One".

I want... to be me again. I miss being me. I miss being able to laugh at my own dumb jokes. I miss being able to make HER smile. I miss... everything about that glorious time I had with her. I guess More than anything, I want that time back.

In the life of the wrong a love lingered on,

Love lingered on to frustration.

And if our love is so wrong, what should we do alone?

Or am I just a picture in a photograph?

Why are we stuck in this pantomime fearing a god who died?

One who would not deny lovers?

And I don't care what they say, if what you need is your
faith,

Then take a look at my face and know



That till your rapture falls to pieces

Until your rapture falls to pieces

Find in me the room to breathe,

Simple things like suffering

Life had gone this way

Life is gone this way



Still in the life of the wrong we all moved along

Another life evolved to gestation

And so we made our way with the mistake we made

But she was just a picture in the photograph



So she walked in the baby's room

Knowing what she should do leave me in

Absolute horror

She put her hand on its lip she gave it

One last kiss

And some tune that went



Until your rapture falls to pieces

Till your rapture falls to pieces

Find in me the room to breathe,

Simple things are suffering



And I would and I would, destroy your god

Yes I would if I could destroy your god

Because you're born again

Until you're worn again,



Till your rapture falls to pieces

Till your rapture falls to pieces

Find in me the room to breathe,

Sinful things are suffering

Till your rapture falls to pieces

Till your rapture falls to pieces



But, if this must be, then burn with me

Anything

Just don't leave

So find in me the room to breathe

Sinful things are suffering

Till your rapture falls to pieces



She swore she heard the voice of jesus

Telling her it was wrong to keep it

And one more thing, it looked like me

Back when it breathed

Rest in peace

Until the rapture comes to meet us