No Value

While talking to one of my normal confidants I realized just how much she's right. Just for a quick glance at it . . .

Her: Wow.
Her: I really don't know what else to say other than, congratulations you brought back the dry heaving when I thought it was gone.
Me: i don't think I want that congrats
Her: I really don't know what to think or say
Her: I want to tear you a new one but I know that'll do fuck all
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: that i'm a monster that'll never have a successful relationship and shoulda kept the gun in my own mouth
Her: That's fucking right. I would just fucking JUMP at the chance to tell you to kill yourself, wouldn't I?!
Me: ugh
Me: sorry
Her: I would fucking DROP EVERYTHING to tell you the opposite of everything I've been telling you from the start
Me: go ahead, i need the earful, keep on
Her: I guess everything I've ever told you has just gone in one ear and out the other, right?
Her: No, man. This is it. I can handle you being upset and I can handle you coming to me
Her: but to try and throw back in my face when all I've done is try to help?
Her: Sorry, I'm just done.
Her: I've got nothing else to say.
Me: i guess i deserve that...
Me: alright then... i won't bother you further
Her: Life is just... completely meaningless to you, isn't it
Her: It holds no value, yours or anyone else's
Her: Is that how you feel now?
Me: ...
Her: If that wasn't a blatant "yes but I don't want to admit it", I don't know what else it could be.
Me: it was actually more of a "even if I said yes you'd have no more respect to lose for me."
Her: Like hell
Her: I may not like what you've done and how you've handled this whole situation (see: IDIOT), but I still respect you because I KNOW you know better
Her: I can be perfectly angry with someone and still love them just as fast as I ever have
Her: but right now I want nothing more than to come to your house just to punch some sense into your empty head
Me: you know, that's probably exactly what I need right now
Her: It probably is
Her: And I could never be angry enough with you to not help you, even if the help is, ironically, not very nice at all
Her: but unfortunately my family is in the shithole with money and I have no means to come and see you
Her: If I had the choice, I would drop everything right now and come to you. But I guess you don't believe me, do you?
Me: i believe you...
Me: i just think you'd be disappointed if you did'
Her: Well if you believe me now, then you're bound to forget in a few hours.
Her: And why's that?
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: because I'm... me
Her: Only your actions and choices can disappoint me, you know.
Her: You, yourself, as a person, never will.
Her: Don't ever let that change. Pick yourself up out of this goddamned stupid fucking ditch you're in and start living again, would you?
Me: and how do you suggest I start "living"
Her: I don't know, what do I sound like to you, the fucking Dalai Lama? I've tried giving you suggestions but you always find a way to brush them off.
Her: So you're on your own there because I'm at a complete loss.
Her: Just fucking do something.
Her: And stop pushing away the people who care about you, for Christ's sake.
Me: i'm sorry... -sighs- i'll try
Her: Eventually they'll start listening and you'll be all alone because they'll think it's what you really wanted.
Me: maybe it's what I deserve... to be alone
Me: but...
Her: Stop thinking about what you do or don't deserve, for fuck's sake.
Me.: even if I deserve it... I won't accept it
Her: Think about what you do or don't want.
Her: Well thank God you can at least say that much
Me: sarcasm?
Her: Not in the slightest
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: oh... okay then
Her: Do you really think I'd take a shot at you now, of all times -_-
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: not you, no
Her: What you think you do or don't deserve is probably way out of whack, you know.
Her: Stop being so hard on yourself and just start thinking about what you WANT, whether you deserve it or not, alright?
Her: And until you decide you're going to stop throwing things back at me
Her: I'm going to let you just... think about it.
Her: Talk to me again when you think you've grown up out of this self-hate of yours, because it's really becoming unbearable.


So yeah, basically I'm an inhuman person and she's right. Life no longer has value to me. None. And I can't even feel bad about it. I guess value is the last thing I care about right now. Hm. I keep pushing my friends away. I want to feel bad about it, but I feel so empty. Something in me is missing, and I can't seem to replace it.

In other news, I had a dream about Stephie last night. That was weird. I like went to a party with her and Kitty. It was all awesome-i-fied and stuff. We got so hammered. I'll tell you everything I can remember when I talk to you again Stephie.

Anyways, yeah dumb post. Oh well. Needed to get it out. Sorry.

There's a hatchet got a knife
When I awoke there was nothing real in this life
But dreams are so intoxicating, (intoxicating)
When you're doing this alone
Gun, rope, brick on the way
But words have no meaning when its you that says
I really do care, no baby I, I really do care!

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Once a skeptic, now the critic
And you think that you finally found a place of your own.
Amongst the cold and timid souls
Where only failure knows your name

Look around for the closest to blame
But look no further than the hands beneath your arms
and now your 6 feet down, buried with,
with your passing fame fame fame fame.

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Oh, oh, oh, you lie
Tell me something more than what you tried to hide
If you can't find yourself, then how can I expect to find you.
Oh, oh, oh, you cry
Tell me something more than what you try
The greatest tragedy is not your death
But a life without reason, your life has no purpose
Your life has no reason, your life has no purpose

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

The End

Well, this is going to be a pretty quick post.

I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't do it anymore. I tried and tried and tried until I broke down and I ended it.

I was right. It is less painful having her hate me and know I'll never get her back than being her friend and knowing I'll never get her back.

Maybe I'm an asshole. So what? Who cares? I couldn't take it. It's just me now, and I'm going back to how I was when I was THE SilverBack.

Good times shall be had! Just me and Deathwish, doing our business. Maybe I should put to rest some old grudges. Actually, I think that'll be the first thing I do.

Oh and Cameel... The picture up there. It's for you.

Mama always prayed that I’d be a better man than daddy
And I determined not to let her down
Deserted by the man she loved and left to raise four children
We were the local gossip of the town.

I promised her that I’d live right and not be like the others
But I wound up in jail on chrismas day
I told her I’d be home and not to worry ’bout my brothers
When I got home my mom had passed away


And I hear tell the road to hell is paved with good intentions
And mama my intentions were the best
There’s lotsa things in my life I just as soon not mention
Looks like I’ve turned out like all the rest
But mama my intentions were the best

A little boy with big blue eyes a-beggin’ to go fishing
I promised him but never took the time
Now they won’t let me see him and I sit here a-wishing
Wishin’ I could hold him one more time


But mama my intentions were the best

Spiraling Downward

So, things seem to be changing at a rapid pace around here eh? Seems when I finally got my grip on reality, and on love, that was taken from me by the one I had used as my grip.

Perhaps I deserved it. She says right now she doesn't know what she wants, and frankly I'm not sure I do either. I've been trying to find release in a lot of different places: the bottle being the main one.

Isn't it odd how man can be the only mammal who goes from sucking on a bottle when he's young to living without it when he's a bit older, and then drowning himself in it when he's a "man"?

I've been offered some good things lately and I . . . Didn't exactly refuse. Of course I didn't fully commit myself to them, but I also didn't say no to them. I told the person that in six months if I didn't have a steady relationship I'd go back into business with him.

It's pretty funny how when you try to run from your past you're the one who ends up going back to it, isn't it? It's not a past I'm proud of, or one I really even want to remember but at least it's a less painful past than the present moment. Perhaps it was a less painful path because I had nothing to worry about and I was always numb. I was always able to sleep, though with nightmares, but those didn't wake me up every hour like they do now.

It was less painful because for some reason, not having love back then was less painful than having it ripped from me now. One of my dreams comes to mind when I think about this love I lost.

I'm sitting in the room with a woman about to have a child and the doctor grabs my hand, saying something and motioning for me to kneel down in front of the woman. I put my hands up as if to catch a baby and the only thing that happens is a huge line of blood squirts onto me.

That's where the dream used to stop. It used to pan out and dim as I looked at myself wallow in the blood. It doesn't stop there anymore. It continues.

Now I see the end. I see when the lights come back the hand of a woman. She squeezes my beating heart, more blood bursting onto me. It's as if I'm completely powerless to stop her, and with each heartbeat she squeezes tighter, trying to suffocate the bloodflow, trying to kill me. But somehow... I survive. I survive in my own puddle of blood---my own filth.

But that's not good enough for her. She has to laugh as she sees me swimming in my own blood. My hair, my hands, my face... my entire body is covered in my own blood and all she can do is laugh and squeeze harder.

I never see her face, but I know who it is. I think subconciously, I've always known who it is.

As I said before, I'm not sure what I want, but I do know what I don't want and I'll start there. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to suffer. I don't want to be a disappointment or a burden. I don't want to go through with my promise in six months.

This leads to my first want. I want someone to save me before I can go through with that promise. I want someone to show me that love that I desire so much right now. I want to be loved, even if it is just pretend. I want to have the illusion of being important, of being someone's "One".

I want... to be me again. I miss being me. I miss being able to laugh at my own dumb jokes. I miss being able to make HER smile. I miss... everything about that glorious time I had with her. I guess More than anything, I want that time back.

In the life of the wrong a love lingered on,

Love lingered on to frustration.

And if our love is so wrong, what should we do alone?

Or am I just a picture in a photograph?

Why are we stuck in this pantomime fearing a god who died?

One who would not deny lovers?

And I don't care what they say, if what you need is your
faith,

Then take a look at my face and know



That till your rapture falls to pieces

Until your rapture falls to pieces

Find in me the room to breathe,

Simple things like suffering

Life had gone this way

Life is gone this way



Still in the life of the wrong we all moved along

Another life evolved to gestation

And so we made our way with the mistake we made

But she was just a picture in the photograph



So she walked in the baby's room

Knowing what she should do leave me in

Absolute horror

She put her hand on its lip she gave it

One last kiss

And some tune that went



Until your rapture falls to pieces

Till your rapture falls to pieces

Find in me the room to breathe,

Simple things are suffering



And I would and I would, destroy your god

Yes I would if I could destroy your god

Because you're born again

Until you're worn again,



Till your rapture falls to pieces

Till your rapture falls to pieces

Find in me the room to breathe,

Sinful things are suffering

Till your rapture falls to pieces

Till your rapture falls to pieces



But, if this must be, then burn with me

Anything

Just don't leave

So find in me the room to breathe

Sinful things are suffering

Till your rapture falls to pieces



She swore she heard the voice of jesus

Telling her it was wrong to keep it

And one more thing, it looked like me

Back when it breathed

Rest in peace

Until the rapture comes to meet us

Hello Cruel Wo---ME!

Okay, this post is mainly for my own benefit because when I start thinking too much I start getting super depressed and stuff, so what I always do when I start thinking is writing a letter to myself.

Why write a letter to myself? Well it helps soothe my nerves and gets all of my frustrations out in the open. Plus I like to have a strict record of how I feel each day, not to mention it's funny to look back at the letters to myself and be like "oh damn dude. You were so stupid." Anyways, it always helps me, and feel free to try it sometime. You might also find it helpful.

Most of the times I keep this in my personal journal, but I figured since most of you already know what the hell is going on around here I'd go ahead and write a public letter to myself. So, here goes.

Dear Regal,

Yo dog what's up? No, that doesn't work. Damn. Uh... Coma Estas Senor Regal? What the fuck? Is that even English? I bet that's the last time Santa'll bring gifts to this bad boy.

Anyways, how're things there in the confines of your idiocy in the future? Have you perhaps found out what you want to do with yourself? Most have said it's good to start from a clean slate, and trust me I know it hurts but perhaps they're right. Have you found where you wanted to start the revamp of the Regal?

So what did you change first? That mask you always wear? Has it been broken? Have you been able to heal yet without the bottle? Have you found what you're searching your soul for?

Ah I probably know the answers to most of those questions, but it's good to get your mind thinking anyways, we both know you don't use that thinker of yours often anyways, at least I can give that engine a bit of a rev.

I miss you man, I miss us, you know? The us we used to be before she came and seperated you and me. Have you become that fat smelly basement/attic dweller who hasn't seen light in years yet? Does your voice work anymore since you won't even talk to me, and I am you.

How're your wounds doing? Are you still licking them on your own or are you opening up a bit to others so you won't break down? Perhaps you've already broken down? Oh God don't tell me you're reading this in an institution!

Dude, get a hold of yourself. I know I can't condemn you for feeling something for someone who seems to be so confused that she can't tell hot pink from clitoral pink. Okay, bad example but who cares?

Been making those dumb sound effects lately? Perhaps you've been watching lots of porn or cheap horror flicks while eating gallon tubs of ice-cream and gettin the spoon stuck to your nose. You always were pretty dumb that way.

Don't worry man, things get better. You've been moving lately not only on the outside but on the inside too. Or perhaps you haven't moved so much on the inside. Perhaps you're still laying around in there wondering just what your worth is. I can tell you what your worth man, don't worry. I can make it all come into the light.

Regal, you are worth -digs through pockets- A bubblegum wrapper, half a pack of matches, twenty-eight cents, a screw? A screw? Anyone want a screw? Um... right going back to what you're worth Regal. Uh... A faded photograph, everything in my wallet (Yay! An I.D.) and uh... some A-B-C gum. So man, can I have you back?

Keep your chin up. It happens to everyone, don't confine yourself to well... yourself. Even if you don't have the will to go on, force yourself. Sometimes will and motivation mean nothing more than what you're willing to will yourself to do. Okay, I just confused myself. Um... Yeah. Just like, try to smile okay?

I miss you,
Me.

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say


Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

No!

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you.

Words Come So Hard

I guess the picture says it all eh? Or perhaps the title does. I guess I'm just confused, or as confused as one can get. First, I wanted to thank Jordan for lending me his words that I used somewhere else.

Next, I want thank my friends, most importantly Mardi and Stephie for always taking care of this dolt even when he doesn't deserve the care. They're like... the only ones right now that I can't put up my mask to anymore. I'm not sure if that's because I don't want to put up a mask to them, or if it's because I'm too weak to keep my mask up around them. Either way, they've defeated my mask, not that it's much of an accomplishment with a coward like me. Haha.

Now. I'm not going to whine about losing the woman I love, or anything like that because I know you guys have all heard that at one point or another. That and I want to try and put the bottles down and stop wallowing in my own self pity. I say I don't want to be pitied, and most of the time I'd take offense to my own self pity because I know I don't deserve it.

Then again, who deserves anything? What is it that makes you deserve anything? What is the meaning of deserve? What is the meaning of anything? Is there any meaning at all? Or as Marcus Arelius said "words are hard to come by because they have no meaning until you give it to them."

I'm beginning to think that we, as humans, are exactly the same. None of us have meaning or worth until someone... or something gives us that meaning. And when that meaning is taken from you so suddenly you just stand there going "Hey, where the fuck's my chocolate cake and ten gallons of ice cream?!" That's the time you lose your footing, when the rug gets pulled out from under you. That's when you're staggering around going "Ah damn that hurt" and your heart's going "I know man, but it was fun huh?"

It always is fun isn't it? All the way until that last word that they put in there for you. That word that hurts so much more than "hate". The word that just kills something inside. The word that sends an absolute zero through your body to freeze... to numb... everything. The word: friends. Being told they just want to be friends is so much more painful than totally losing them.

Why's it more painful? Because they're still there. You still want them, you still want to help them through EVERYTHING like you used to, but it's out of your jurisdiction. All you can do is stand behind (as opposed to beside) them and nod your head and tell them that it'll all be over soon, even though you know it's a lie. You have to smile and tell them you're alright with just being friends because somewhere deep inside you there's that hope. That shiny thing that seems to try and burn out the ice, the numb feeling, no matter how much you don't want to stop being numb. It's that hope that if you stay there behind them they'll realize they really want you beside them.

It's not often they do want you back beside them, but when they do, it's magical I'm sure. I wouldn't know. I haven't gone past the "just a friend" part again. In reference to Jordan's "A", "B" and "C" lovers, it seems most of the time I come out being a B, or even an A. That's all I'll say, because I've whined way too much the past few days with the neck of the bottle to my neck.

Once again, thanks to all you wonderful friends I have. Without you I'd probably be a fat happy basement dweller who's idea of romantic on the phone is "Hey honey. Say it slowly. TEE HEE." And she says "Chooooooooocolaaaaaaaaate Caaaaaaaaaake." Weeeeeeeeee!

Sorry. Love you guys.

He said, "I'll love you 'til I die."
She told him, "You'll forget in time."
As the years went slowly by,
She still prayed upon his mind.

He kept her picture on the wall.
Went half crazy now and then.
But he still loved her through it all,
Hoping she'd come back again.

Kept some letters by his bed,
Dated 1962.
He had underlined in red
Every single 'I love you'.

I went to see him just today,
But I didn't see no tears.
All dressed up to go away,
First time I'd seen him smile in years.

He stopped loving her today,
They placed a wreath upon his door,
And soon they'll carry him away,
He stopped loving her today.

You know, she came to see him last time.
And we were all wonderin' if she would.
And it kept runnin' through my mind,
This time he's over her for good.

He stopped loving her today,
They placed a wreath upon his door,
And soon they'll carry him away,
He stopped loving her today.