Tears Down Dust Trails

So, I haven't been on lately because A) I haven't switched my phone lines over to my new house and therefor don't have internet unless I'm at the college and B) I've been extremely sick. The sickness seems to be going around here. You start out with a sore throat for a day or two then BAM you puke up (or dryheave) pretty much everything inside you and when you're done putting your lungs back in your chest, you realize your throat hardly hurts anymore. You barely have a voice, but your throat doesn't hurt. Then you go through this really nauseating stage where you stand up and get dizzy and you feel like using the bathroom and puking at the same time. When water touches you you feel like you're going to explode and when you DO explode (I did it twice, luckily God hates me and won't let me die) you have to clean up the bloody mess you left in your shower.

Anyways, now that that's done I'll go for what I was prefacing that with. So last night I decided to skip out on my normal shower (although I was cleaning up my dusty closet in the other house and knew I should've taken a shower) and when I got home I was so exhausted I tried to play one of my games and ended up falling asleep IN MID BATTLE! *I still won of course but that's because I'm a hardass*. So I decide to turn the game off and try for this little thing we call rest. This was about 9 PM.

You ever had one of those dreams where you feel so happy yet then you're woken up by your own salty tears? Yeah. I had one of those, only it wasn't just salty tears. It was salty, sweaty, dusty tears. I gagged and ran straight to the bathroom as I felt my stomach churn and when I got there, I thought "Hey, Cameel called me the other night and I missed her call. She's usually up at this hour so why I don't I call her back?"

Yeah. That was a bad idea. I'm kind of glad she didn't answer though. I would've just been puking every three seconds while talking to her. She's really acting immature lately. I mean, I know I've done some pretty unforgivable things, and I don't expect to be forgiven for them, but talking about me behind my back? I haven't even said one ill word of her (and you can ask all of my friends for that, I'm sure Mardi and Stephie would vouch for me.)

She says I make her out like the bad guy and she's "tired of being the bad guy" yet, when have I ever made her out to be the bad guy? I blame myself for pretty much everything involving that girl, even the stuff that I know I had no effect on. She's excellent at playing games though, that's part of her charm I guess. She's a great liar and even better at half-truths and double-stories. Sometimes it's just so hard to believe anything any woman says anymore after dealing with her.

Don't get me wrong, I still love the girl but she's freaking driving me insane (as if I couldn't just walk). She's a wonderful girl, when she's not acting immature and preteen-ish. Somehow I come off as the bad guy in the end and I guess it's okay. I guess it's okay for me to be the bad guy. I'd rather hang on a cross sot hat some other good guy, like me, could have her some day than to let her rot away with some abusive ex-rapist unpassionate drunken loser (which I do forsee her going for.)

But then again, isn't that what she needs? She can't make up her mind and she settles for way less than she can get. I mean, I'll admit it... I'm an awesome guy and the fact that she ran from me when I offered her a chance to be happy, to be free, to never have to worry about ANYTHING, proves that she needs to have her eyes forcibly opened to the outside world. Maybe the lowest she can go is what she needs. I don't like it, but maybe it's that way.

And Stephie, thank you so much for staying by my emo-ish side this whole time, even when you probably felt like just giving up on me.

Mardi, it's a shame I pushed you to that point.

So lately I feel emotionless, but the tears down my dust covered cheek must've shown some emotion. Obviously I'm still hurting and shutting off my emotions is my defense mechanism. Normally my eyes can show my true emotions but lately they've been so unsatisfied, empty and bored-like as if nothing really matters to me. I've had better control over my adrenaline in this state (I can tell by the amount of shaking I do decreasing). Maybe I was born to be emotionless, yet everytime I even think about that I picture myself as a young Tokugawa or even worse... Hitler. I want to be scared, and normally I would be, but I can't. Perhaps in the end you can't run from fate.

It's too bad that you have made mistakes.
Too bad that I cannot relate.
When all else fails
And all else fades.
I kept my word through bitter days
(through bitter days)

What you don't know.
Won't leave a scar.
What you don't know.
Hasn't killed you so far.
But you don't know.
Just who you are.
Still I just give you something to talk about.
What you don't know.

It's too late that now.
I've changed my mind.
Too late somehow.
To recognize
When all else fails
And all I find.
Are all my words.
Perdido in time.
(Just lost in time)

What you don't know.
Won't leave a scar.
What you don't know.
Hasn't killed you so far.
But you don't know.
Just who you are.
Still I just give you something to talk about.

So you lost yourself.
Turn to someone else.
Now you've given up your will that wants to know.
Then you find yourself.
But you're someone else.
In the end you only get what you deserve.
(What you deserve)

What you don't know.
Won't leave a scar.
What you don't know.
Hasn't killed you so far.
But you don't know.
Just who you are.
Still I just give you something to talk about.
What you don't know.


P.S. Why is it that girls think my voice is sexy? I never got that. I mean, it's not even the one that is accented, it's the fake voice I've grown so used to.