Bruised, Broken, Shot, Shocked and Missing...

So, it's been a while hasn't it? Yeah. I've been a bit out of it and such. I absolutely miss my beautiful twin Stephie. I hope she's having enough fun for the both of us.

There've been some interesting developments since my last post and I thought I'd share them now. I know when Stephie gets back she's gonna be pretty pissed at me for what I'll admit to in a moment, but I also know that she'll just want to squeeze me and love me and stuff.

I'll start with the newest developments. Cameel's engaged. Sudden? Yeah. I thought so too. She's trying to hard to rip me apart, and it might work too, if I could feel emotions anymore. I guess that's a lie. She's already hurt me to the point where if she hurts me anymore, or if I let it get to me there'll be some dickhead on the sidewalk and me in a cell. I'm tired of the bullshit, I'm tired of it all. I just want a rest.

Okay, since I covered that in a hurry I'll explain the two pictures up there. The moon... ever since Tiffanny dumped me on Christmas Eve a few years back I've taken a picture of the moon on Christmas Eve. Every picture I take of it that night, it looks so sad... so lonely. I guess it can relate to me. This is the newest picture of the moon from Christmas Eve '06. It stopped raining just long enough for me to snap this shot. Yay for rainy Christmas.

The sunrise up there... It's a dedication to my friends that have put up with me through it all. You guys are my sunrise. You guys give me meaning and keep me going on. Thank you. This sunrise was taken from my balcony on Christmas morning. It came out so wonderfully I just had to share it.

I'm sleeping better now. I've sort of just given up on most things. I've decided for a wihle, I'm just going to go for a piece of ass. There's no need for me to try to get involved anytime soon. I'm tired of having my heart ripped out and them moving on so quick. Maybe I bring it on myself, but I find it more probable to assume that my "type" are just dumb bitches that don't want a guy like me anyways. I know there's nothing wrong with me. I'm a good looking guy, and I love spending time with my woman. I like a fiery passionate relationship, unfortuantely my "type" doesn't seem to like that. Oh well, there are lots of fishies in the sea, and I haven't run out of bait yet.

Now, that sounds great doesn't it? It took two things to make me realize those things. I'll tell you guys about the better one first. So my sister dragged me out to shop with her the 22nd or 23rd because I looked "down." Of course we HAD to use my car, but that's not the point. I had to get gas before we could go anywhere. So while I'm inside I spot this guy digging through the trash. A homeless guy. My first time to ever see a homeless guy. And you know what? I wished I was in his shoes. I wished I was in his fucking shoes. How bad is that? So, I looked at him and thought about how easy he has it, worrying about things more difficult than things I've been worried about. Not having to worry about love because he's more worried about his survival you know?

Then I realized: he's worried about his survival. He wasn't concerned about women. He had been dealt a shittier hand than me and yet he was still clinging to his life. He wasn't running from it. He wasn't trying to get shot. He wasn't killing himself. He was digging through the garbage to find cans. I stood there a moment, dumbfounded as I realized this. Then... I felt I owed him somethng for making me see something so obvious.

I walk outside, hold out a $50 bill and ask the man if I can buy his bag of cans. He looks at me reluctantly and finally takes the money and tosses me the bag, leaning his bicycle agains tthe rest stop's wall. I smile as he goes inside ande place his back back on his handlebars, driving away without a second thought.

I hope he didn't waste the money. Right now, he is my hero. My undying hero.

The other thing... Well, I don't wish to speak about it so publicly, so Stephie, you'll have to ask/scold me for it on your own.

I love you my darling sister. I hope you're smiling where I can not, and I hope you and Andy succeed where I have failed. Failure may be a word to describe me, but... so is Loved. And I think the second far outweighs the first.

Holy Diver
You've been down too long in the midnight sea
Oh what's becoming of me

Ride the tiger
You can see his stripes but you know he's clean
Oh don't you see what I mean

Gotta get away
Holy Diver

Shiny diamonds
Like the eyes of a cat in the black and blue
Something is coming for you

Race for the morning
You can hide in the sun 'till you see the light
Oh we will pray it's all right

Gotta get away-get away

Between the velvet lies
There's a truth that's hard as steel
The vision never dies
Life's a never ending wheel

Holy Diver
You're the star of the masquerade
No need to look so afraid

Jump on the tiger
You can feel his heart but you know he's mean
Some light can never be seen

Holy Diver
You've been down too long in the midnight sea
Oh what's becoming of me

Ride the tiger
You can see his stripes but you know he's clean
Oh don't you see what I mean

Gotta get away
Holy Diver

I may be some sort of crazy but...

So, I gave in and TRIED to apologize to her. I doubt she'll accept it, but at least she can't say that I didn't try.

Now that I've got that out of the way... I decided I'd like to indulge you all in my newest dilema.

I've got two women that want me. One that I don't really think is good enough for me and the other that's a bit... well it gets old FAST.

I've got a woman I still love, though she wants nothing to do with me, yet I still know it's unfair to even hint at faithfulness to any woman. See, I have a problem. Cameel still has something of mine that I won't get back, that I probably wouldn't request back. She has my heart. My heart... maybe I should replace it with a gizzard.

Then I've got a girl whom I like but is way out of my league, and like stated above I shouldn't even like her because I know nothing would come of it. Nothing ever does.

Someone told me today "be careful, I'd much rather you be alive." Alive... Is there a purpose for that? I mean, I guess I sort of have to stay alive right? Cause how else would a higher power torture me, you know?

Sometimes I wonder if that's the only reason I'm alive. I mean, the people I used to be able to make smile only seem to frown.

Frowns... Is that my fault? Can I really place the blame of anything on anyone anymore? I mean, I try, but I can't take all the blame myself. I'm broken, I'm beaten... and yet I'm still standing. It must mean something eh?

Maybe it means I'm a strong man, but I think it just means I'm naive. Maybe us men are all more naive than women.

Who am I to save you,
To try and tame you,
And now that you are free of me,
But next time when you break down,
Is it me you'll take down,
With you on your knees?

So who was I to hurt you,
To desert you,
When you needed me there,
So now that you've learned to hate me,
You're finally set free,
I fall to my knees,

And I'm breathing slowly,
Like you said to do when you had lost control,
My head spins from God's wind,
That carries you away from me,
Looks like you got away from me,
This time,
For good...

And since those days have passed me by,
I'm in and out of life,
The way you used to be,
You know I always was the strong one,
But now I've come undone,
Sweet Release...(come to me)

And I'm breathing slowly,
Like you said to do when you had lost control,
My head spins from God's wind,
That carries you away from me,
Looks like you got away from me, This time,
You got away from me oh yea,
You got away for good...

You Should Know...

So, my ex wrote me a song a while back when we were still dating, so I decided to right one back for her now.

I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is he perverted like me?
Would he go down on you in a theater?
Does he speak eloquently
And would you have his baby?
I'm sure you'd make a really excellent mother

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, No
And every time you speak his name
Does he know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive .

And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you should know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Miss Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck... him?


Ohh... aah... ahh... ahh...

'Cause the joke that you laid in that death bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time someone scratches her nails
Down my back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

Yes It's stupid, I know that. Okay?

Roadkill in a World Full of Crows

So uh...

After a nice vacation to Atlantic City to discuss some business with some associates of mine I got to thinking (don't ask why, because when I think it's never good).

I've got a date tonight, I've got finals this week and I've still got a broken heart. These three combined with liquor really make your thinking go great.

So there's this nurse that I have a date with. She's got a pretty face, some alright boobs, a nice little ass and altogether her body is about... a 7 or 8. Not perfect, but not too bad anyways.

Pros: She's got a pretty face. I've known her since junior high (because she was dating one of my friends up until about two months ago). I hear she's a great fuck, she's got a great personality and she's really got something going for her with this whole nursing business (boy would I like to be a baby nursing on---). Anyways, she's a breeder and I think I really want a kid or something about now.

Cons: She's not a 10 or even a 9. She dated one of my old friends (and a big one at that) and we live about an hour away from each other. She works a normal nurse's shift of anywhere from 8-12 hours a day 6 days a week. That really wouldn't be enough time to spend together you know? I mean, I LOVE spending time with my girl and showering her with gifts.

Which outweighs which? I'm not sure.

Second order of discussion... Finals Week.

Pros: No more school for over a month. I'll get to sleep in more.

Cons: It's FUCKIN' FINALS WEEK.

I think the pros outweigh the cons.

Next order of discussion: My broken heart. Now I know a lot of you have heard me squealing and that about "oh i'm so hurt boo hoo i'm gonna cry" blah blah blah. Truth is, at the moment, I'm quite numb. I think it has to do something with her ignoring me and not answering or returning any phone calls (though I haven't called her in over a week).

Pros: Because she's been ignoring me it's sorta made me numb so I can't really feel... anything. And it really makes it easier not to think about suicide or the like when you can't think about anything but her and you're not even sure how you feel when you do think about her. I've got a lot of Aces up my sleeves and I've got a mighty powerful bag of tricks, i know if I play my cards right I'll wind up with her in my arms, or with someone better in my bed.

Cons: I'm going insane. I look at people, just random people, and picture myself mutilating their faces. I mean... I'm totally off balance here. My laugh isn't one that i normally do with the whole hearty stuff, but it's one that's kind of... sickening. But then I remember how that lady who broke my heart is, and I smile to myself and know that if she doesn't wind up with me and goes for the men she seems to like... she'll be on the other side of the counter asking me "Would you like fries with that?" Okay, so maybe that last half wasn't so much of a con. But it was funny huh?

I walked around my good intentions
And found that there were none
I blame my father for the wasted years
We hardly talked
I never thought I would forget this hate
Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong

And if I don't make it
Know that I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong

I walked around my room
Not thinking
Sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much like somebody else
I never thought that I'd just bend this way
Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong

And if I don't make it
Know that I loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong
And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong
I hope to God I figure out what's wrong

If I don't make it
Know that I loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong

And if I don't make it
Know that I loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out...

Spite and Malice, It's All in the Game

Spite.

Malice.

Hatred.

Homicide.

Broken Bones.

Okay, so I just had to be emo there for a bit. In truth this is going to be a short post. So I spent all last night in the hospital (for heart complications) and got to talking to this cute nurse right?

Well the nurse is like 22 and an absolute HOTTIE. So me doing something out of character, I grab her wrist as she went to check out of her shift and I said "Hey, how about a date sometime?" And you know what?

She said yes. Those three letters. Y-E-S. You know how long it's been since I've heard a woman tell me YES to anything? Yeah me either. I think it was when Stephie told me "yes" that we were sexy. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT that's beside the point and it happens nearly everyday so it doesn't count.

Anywho, the date's on Monday and I have a final test on Tuesday at 8 AM. God I'm done for. BUT I'LL COME INTO CLASS WITH THE STINKY FINGER... if you know what I mean. ;)

Tears Down Dust Trails

So, I haven't been on lately because A) I haven't switched my phone lines over to my new house and therefor don't have internet unless I'm at the college and B) I've been extremely sick. The sickness seems to be going around here. You start out with a sore throat for a day or two then BAM you puke up (or dryheave) pretty much everything inside you and when you're done putting your lungs back in your chest, you realize your throat hardly hurts anymore. You barely have a voice, but your throat doesn't hurt. Then you go through this really nauseating stage where you stand up and get dizzy and you feel like using the bathroom and puking at the same time. When water touches you you feel like you're going to explode and when you DO explode (I did it twice, luckily God hates me and won't let me die) you have to clean up the bloody mess you left in your shower.

Anyways, now that that's done I'll go for what I was prefacing that with. So last night I decided to skip out on my normal shower (although I was cleaning up my dusty closet in the other house and knew I should've taken a shower) and when I got home I was so exhausted I tried to play one of my games and ended up falling asleep IN MID BATTLE! *I still won of course but that's because I'm a hardass*. So I decide to turn the game off and try for this little thing we call rest. This was about 9 PM.

You ever had one of those dreams where you feel so happy yet then you're woken up by your own salty tears? Yeah. I had one of those, only it wasn't just salty tears. It was salty, sweaty, dusty tears. I gagged and ran straight to the bathroom as I felt my stomach churn and when I got there, I thought "Hey, Cameel called me the other night and I missed her call. She's usually up at this hour so why I don't I call her back?"

Yeah. That was a bad idea. I'm kind of glad she didn't answer though. I would've just been puking every three seconds while talking to her. She's really acting immature lately. I mean, I know I've done some pretty unforgivable things, and I don't expect to be forgiven for them, but talking about me behind my back? I haven't even said one ill word of her (and you can ask all of my friends for that, I'm sure Mardi and Stephie would vouch for me.)

She says I make her out like the bad guy and she's "tired of being the bad guy" yet, when have I ever made her out to be the bad guy? I blame myself for pretty much everything involving that girl, even the stuff that I know I had no effect on. She's excellent at playing games though, that's part of her charm I guess. She's a great liar and even better at half-truths and double-stories. Sometimes it's just so hard to believe anything any woman says anymore after dealing with her.

Don't get me wrong, I still love the girl but she's freaking driving me insane (as if I couldn't just walk). She's a wonderful girl, when she's not acting immature and preteen-ish. Somehow I come off as the bad guy in the end and I guess it's okay. I guess it's okay for me to be the bad guy. I'd rather hang on a cross sot hat some other good guy, like me, could have her some day than to let her rot away with some abusive ex-rapist unpassionate drunken loser (which I do forsee her going for.)

But then again, isn't that what she needs? She can't make up her mind and she settles for way less than she can get. I mean, I'll admit it... I'm an awesome guy and the fact that she ran from me when I offered her a chance to be happy, to be free, to never have to worry about ANYTHING, proves that she needs to have her eyes forcibly opened to the outside world. Maybe the lowest she can go is what she needs. I don't like it, but maybe it's that way.

And Stephie, thank you so much for staying by my emo-ish side this whole time, even when you probably felt like just giving up on me.

Mardi, it's a shame I pushed you to that point.

So lately I feel emotionless, but the tears down my dust covered cheek must've shown some emotion. Obviously I'm still hurting and shutting off my emotions is my defense mechanism. Normally my eyes can show my true emotions but lately they've been so unsatisfied, empty and bored-like as if nothing really matters to me. I've had better control over my adrenaline in this state (I can tell by the amount of shaking I do decreasing). Maybe I was born to be emotionless, yet everytime I even think about that I picture myself as a young Tokugawa or even worse... Hitler. I want to be scared, and normally I would be, but I can't. Perhaps in the end you can't run from fate.

It's too bad that you have made mistakes.
Too bad that I cannot relate.
When all else fails
And all else fades.
I kept my word through bitter days
(through bitter days)

What you don't know.
Won't leave a scar.
What you don't know.
Hasn't killed you so far.
But you don't know.
Just who you are.
Still I just give you something to talk about.
What you don't know.

It's too late that now.
I've changed my mind.
Too late somehow.
To recognize
When all else fails
And all I find.
Are all my words.
Perdido in time.
(Just lost in time)

What you don't know.
Won't leave a scar.
What you don't know.
Hasn't killed you so far.
But you don't know.
Just who you are.
Still I just give you something to talk about.

So you lost yourself.
Turn to someone else.
Now you've given up your will that wants to know.
Then you find yourself.
But you're someone else.
In the end you only get what you deserve.
(What you deserve)

What you don't know.
Won't leave a scar.
What you don't know.
Hasn't killed you so far.
But you don't know.
Just who you are.
Still I just give you something to talk about.
What you don't know.


P.S. Why is it that girls think my voice is sexy? I never got that. I mean, it's not even the one that is accented, it's the fake voice I've grown so used to.