No Value

While talking to one of my normal confidants I realized just how much she's right. Just for a quick glance at it . . .

Her: Wow.
Her: I really don't know what else to say other than, congratulations you brought back the dry heaving when I thought it was gone.
Me: i don't think I want that congrats
Her: I really don't know what to think or say
Her: I want to tear you a new one but I know that'll do fuck all
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: that i'm a monster that'll never have a successful relationship and shoulda kept the gun in my own mouth
Her: That's fucking right. I would just fucking JUMP at the chance to tell you to kill yourself, wouldn't I?!
Me: ugh
Me: sorry
Her: I would fucking DROP EVERYTHING to tell you the opposite of everything I've been telling you from the start
Me: go ahead, i need the earful, keep on
Her: I guess everything I've ever told you has just gone in one ear and out the other, right?
Her: No, man. This is it. I can handle you being upset and I can handle you coming to me
Her: but to try and throw back in my face when all I've done is try to help?
Her: Sorry, I'm just done.
Her: I've got nothing else to say.
Me: i guess i deserve that...
Me: alright then... i won't bother you further
Her: Life is just... completely meaningless to you, isn't it
Her: It holds no value, yours or anyone else's
Her: Is that how you feel now?
Me: ...
Her: If that wasn't a blatant "yes but I don't want to admit it", I don't know what else it could be.
Me: it was actually more of a "even if I said yes you'd have no more respect to lose for me."
Her: Like hell
Her: I may not like what you've done and how you've handled this whole situation (see: IDIOT), but I still respect you because I KNOW you know better
Her: I can be perfectly angry with someone and still love them just as fast as I ever have
Her: but right now I want nothing more than to come to your house just to punch some sense into your empty head
Me: you know, that's probably exactly what I need right now
Her: It probably is
Her: And I could never be angry enough with you to not help you, even if the help is, ironically, not very nice at all
Her: but unfortunately my family is in the shithole with money and I have no means to come and see you
Her: If I had the choice, I would drop everything right now and come to you. But I guess you don't believe me, do you?
Me: i believe you...
Me: i just think you'd be disappointed if you did'
Her: Well if you believe me now, then you're bound to forget in a few hours.
Her: And why's that?
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: because I'm... me
Her: Only your actions and choices can disappoint me, you know.
Her: You, yourself, as a person, never will.
Her: Don't ever let that change. Pick yourself up out of this goddamned stupid fucking ditch you're in and start living again, would you?
Me: and how do you suggest I start "living"
Her: I don't know, what do I sound like to you, the fucking Dalai Lama? I've tried giving you suggestions but you always find a way to brush them off.
Her: So you're on your own there because I'm at a complete loss.
Her: Just fucking do something.
Her: And stop pushing away the people who care about you, for Christ's sake.
Me: i'm sorry... -sighs- i'll try
Her: Eventually they'll start listening and you'll be all alone because they'll think it's what you really wanted.
Me: maybe it's what I deserve... to be alone
Me: but...
Her: Stop thinking about what you do or don't deserve, for fuck's sake.
Me.: even if I deserve it... I won't accept it
Her: Think about what you do or don't want.
Her: Well thank God you can at least say that much
Me: sarcasm?
Her: Not in the slightest
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: oh... okay then
Her: Do you really think I'd take a shot at you now, of all times -_-
That's just another thing that looked like me when it breathed, rest in peace.: not you, no
Her: What you think you do or don't deserve is probably way out of whack, you know.
Her: Stop being so hard on yourself and just start thinking about what you WANT, whether you deserve it or not, alright?
Her: And until you decide you're going to stop throwing things back at me
Her: I'm going to let you just... think about it.
Her: Talk to me again when you think you've grown up out of this self-hate of yours, because it's really becoming unbearable.


So yeah, basically I'm an inhuman person and she's right. Life no longer has value to me. None. And I can't even feel bad about it. I guess value is the last thing I care about right now. Hm. I keep pushing my friends away. I want to feel bad about it, but I feel so empty. Something in me is missing, and I can't seem to replace it.

In other news, I had a dream about Stephie last night. That was weird. I like went to a party with her and Kitty. It was all awesome-i-fied and stuff. We got so hammered. I'll tell you everything I can remember when I talk to you again Stephie.

Anyways, yeah dumb post. Oh well. Needed to get it out. Sorry.

There's a hatchet got a knife
When I awoke there was nothing real in this life
But dreams are so intoxicating, (intoxicating)
When you're doing this alone
Gun, rope, brick on the way
But words have no meaning when its you that says
I really do care, no baby I, I really do care!

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Once a skeptic, now the critic
And you think that you finally found a place of your own.
Amongst the cold and timid souls
Where only failure knows your name

Look around for the closest to blame
But look no further than the hands beneath your arms
and now your 6 feet down, buried with,
with your passing fame fame fame fame.

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Oh, oh, oh, you lie
Tell me something more than what you tried to hide
If you can't find yourself, then how can I expect to find you.
Oh, oh, oh, you cry
Tell me something more than what you try
The greatest tragedy is not your death
But a life without reason, your life has no purpose
Your life has no reason, your life has no purpose

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?