Words Come So Hard

I guess the picture says it all eh? Or perhaps the title does. I guess I'm just confused, or as confused as one can get. First, I wanted to thank Jordan for lending me his words that I used somewhere else.

Next, I want thank my friends, most importantly Mardi and Stephie for always taking care of this dolt even when he doesn't deserve the care. They're like... the only ones right now that I can't put up my mask to anymore. I'm not sure if that's because I don't want to put up a mask to them, or if it's because I'm too weak to keep my mask up around them. Either way, they've defeated my mask, not that it's much of an accomplishment with a coward like me. Haha.

Now. I'm not going to whine about losing the woman I love, or anything like that because I know you guys have all heard that at one point or another. That and I want to try and put the bottles down and stop wallowing in my own self pity. I say I don't want to be pitied, and most of the time I'd take offense to my own self pity because I know I don't deserve it.

Then again, who deserves anything? What is it that makes you deserve anything? What is the meaning of deserve? What is the meaning of anything? Is there any meaning at all? Or as Marcus Arelius said "words are hard to come by because they have no meaning until you give it to them."

I'm beginning to think that we, as humans, are exactly the same. None of us have meaning or worth until someone... or something gives us that meaning. And when that meaning is taken from you so suddenly you just stand there going "Hey, where the fuck's my chocolate cake and ten gallons of ice cream?!" That's the time you lose your footing, when the rug gets pulled out from under you. That's when you're staggering around going "Ah damn that hurt" and your heart's going "I know man, but it was fun huh?"

It always is fun isn't it? All the way until that last word that they put in there for you. That word that hurts so much more than "hate". The word that just kills something inside. The word that sends an absolute zero through your body to freeze... to numb... everything. The word: friends. Being told they just want to be friends is so much more painful than totally losing them.

Why's it more painful? Because they're still there. You still want them, you still want to help them through EVERYTHING like you used to, but it's out of your jurisdiction. All you can do is stand behind (as opposed to beside) them and nod your head and tell them that it'll all be over soon, even though you know it's a lie. You have to smile and tell them you're alright with just being friends because somewhere deep inside you there's that hope. That shiny thing that seems to try and burn out the ice, the numb feeling, no matter how much you don't want to stop being numb. It's that hope that if you stay there behind them they'll realize they really want you beside them.

It's not often they do want you back beside them, but when they do, it's magical I'm sure. I wouldn't know. I haven't gone past the "just a friend" part again. In reference to Jordan's "A", "B" and "C" lovers, it seems most of the time I come out being a B, or even an A. That's all I'll say, because I've whined way too much the past few days with the neck of the bottle to my neck.

Once again, thanks to all you wonderful friends I have. Without you I'd probably be a fat happy basement dweller who's idea of romantic on the phone is "Hey honey. Say it slowly. TEE HEE." And she says "Chooooooooocolaaaaaaaaate Caaaaaaaaaake." Weeeeeeeeee!

Sorry. Love you guys.

He said, "I'll love you 'til I die."
She told him, "You'll forget in time."
As the years went slowly by,
She still prayed upon his mind.

He kept her picture on the wall.
Went half crazy now and then.
But he still loved her through it all,
Hoping she'd come back again.

Kept some letters by his bed,
Dated 1962.
He had underlined in red
Every single 'I love you'.

I went to see him just today,
But I didn't see no tears.
All dressed up to go away,
First time I'd seen him smile in years.

He stopped loving her today,
They placed a wreath upon his door,
And soon they'll carry him away,
He stopped loving her today.

You know, she came to see him last time.
And we were all wonderin' if she would.
And it kept runnin' through my mind,
This time he's over her for good.

He stopped loving her today,
They placed a wreath upon his door,
And soon they'll carry him away,
He stopped loving her today.